ella j

We are one week into our new life - and by new life I don't mean to be dramatic but it very much does feel like entering a new phase of motherhood (but lets be honest, I do tend toward the dramatic).  One week into Kindergarten and there is already much to be thankful for -

sister-love: after a summer of living on top of one another, Sam and Clara are delighting in the time they have together.  there have been dozens of moments where i want to freeze time and remember the sweet ways they are interacting - from playing long in the bath, to imagination with legos, to "i miss you" before school and big hugs after school.  heart melting.

excitement in learning new songs: Sam sings for us sweetly about a candle for peace - not much more than a candle for peace but i could listen to her sing about peace bringing candles for awhile.

meeting a new neighbor girl who happens to be in Samantha's class: i love connecting with neighbors in a new way.

my low grade anxiety is starting to dissipate: for about a week i felt preoccupied with missing Sam and feeling nervous for what she might be doing or encountering.  the last couple of days this has been almost gone.

i feel more energized to engage with Clara and Emmy: i am thankful for more time to be with them, play with them, talk with them.  not having to manage the negative aspects of Sam and Clara's relationship has left me with energy to put into Clara and Em.  granted Clara gets frustrated with Emmy sometimes but it is not the same.  and i am loving these extra moments with these two.

ella j:  samantha's first friend outside the group of the friends we have introduced her to.  we first heard about ella j. a few days ago and their friendship has only grown since.  we got to meet her last night at the school dessert, as well as meet her parents.  they seem like a lovely family and it will be fun to see what comes of their new friendship.  maybe nothing.  maybe something significant.  either way - we are so thankful for a sweet little girl for sam to connect to and feel safe with and get excited about seeing.

walking from our house to school we have to go up a pretty big hill.  last friday sam cried as we walked.  and i cried after i dropped her off.  today there were no tears - and part of that is getting to know a new place and making connections.  i am thankful for a teacher sam is excited to see, a student teacher who is kind and attentive, a friend sam made all on her own and sweet moments of sisterhood at the end of the day.  the 3:00-5:00 window used to be the hardest of our day, waiting for tim to come home, energy just about gone.  now it is my favorite time - reconnecting with sam, seeing the girls love each other and still anticipating the arrival of tim and kellie (our housemate).  one week down.  one week into our new life.  thankful for a God who gives good gifts, who is steady and faithful in the midst of our change.


 

Her first day and other Kindergarten thoughts

I am tempted to go into a long list of reasons for not blogging for nine months - but I won't.  Emmy was born.  and that's about it.  Plus I have been thinking about the purpose of continuing to blog - maybe I will talk more about that some other time.  But Sam starting Kindergarten and desiring to reflect on this transition for our family felt like something to blog about - if only for my own process.  

Here she is looking about as cute as can be - 

Notice her slightly fat lip - yes she had a huge fall two days before the start of Kindergarten.  A fall that included lots of blood, wiggly teeth, calls to urgent care and our dentist and finally a trip to the dentist to confirm it was a big fall but there is not much else to do for now.  Even today her mouth still hurts but things are slowly starting to look better.  She is one tough little lady.  

Kindergarten - geeze.  Coming to this day has been a long journey.  Tim and I took a long time trying to decide whether or not we were going to send her this year.  Having a summer birthday and having a bit of an introverted personality gave us pause, as well as wanting her and Clara to be one year closer in grade and wanting to have her with us one additional year (now and prior to college).  After lots of conversations between us and with a load of other people (her preschool teachers, kindergarten teachers, school teachers, friends), Tim researching, praying and ultimately conversations with her (she has always been SO excited!) - we decided to send her.

Every few days this summer she would ask if it was time to go to Kindergarten.  We did things like buy a hello kitty lunch box, visit the Kindergarten teachers, buy a backpack - after the completion of each of these things she would say, "It feels good to be prepared!"

We would talk about what she would do and what kinds of things she would learn about.  I would tell her I would miss her - to which she responded, "oh mama - you can see me when you pick me up!"

We would talk about her worries - boys being unkind was the main focus.  We would talk about her excitement - having a nice teacher and making new friends and learning to read and write.

The night before her first day we washed her hair, clipped her fingernails, cut her bangs and she said, "wow I am getting fancy!"

The morning of the first day I cried as I got ready.  Remembering her - the baby in my arms with a head of dark hair, the toddler who spoke in her own language, and the little girl who sang her way through the day and was always accessorized (thankfully that hasn't changed).  The little girl who would yell no at old ladies who smiled at her on walks, who adores her dada, and who was constantly decorating her world.

On the way to the school Tim told the story of Sleeping Beauty - his steady words calming all of our hearts.  Sam full of excitement but also nervous.  We got her comfortable in her class and went to a PTA welcome.  She bravely said goodbye as she stenciled a picture of animals and flowers.  We ultimately walked out of the school and I again cried.  Grieving the end of a season of her life, of my life.  Our first baby starting school.  I want to be attentive to the grief, the way her life is changing and how that impacts us.

Today I found myself bouncing between missing her, being drawn to pray and enjoying the time with Clara, Emmy and good friends.  We are in an in between, neutral zone, place - settling into a new routine but we have not yet found our footing.

I hear Jesus saying, "Do not be anxious about anything.  But in everything, with prayer and petition, present your requests to God and the peace of God that transcends all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus."  I want my anxiety to turn me to Jesus - to pray for Sam - as I again trust her to Him.

Samantha Jean - You are such a brave girl.  This summer you have grown so much - from riding a pedal bike, to learning how to swim, to finding more and more enjoyment from coloring and legos - 5 has already been a fun year.  I am praying for protection for you - physical protection (it would be great if we didn't see that amount of blood again any time soon), emotional protection (your tender heart is sensitive to the words of others), and mental protection (oh for you to know deep in your mind and heart how much you are loved and who the Lord says you are and say true things to yourself).  I am also praying for protection for your imagination and childlike view of the world.  You spend a good part of your day in another land of magic and wonder with fairy princesses, dragons, horses, snakes, kings and queens.  I pray for you to always have a big imagination - to have a life that cultivates wonder and celebrates even the most simple gifts.  You are a precious treasure and we desire to love you well - to make choices for your good - we hope choosing Kindergarten for you this year and our process of making that decision reflects our love.  And in the end we realize the God of Grace who gave us you will cover all things.  I love you, mama